I miss affection and sex with my grumpy husband

Dr Miriam Stoppard advises

I’m thinking about your husband and why he’s grumpy. It strikes me he may feel he’s let you down. He’s not the man you married, and he no longer has lustful sexual needs. This is demoralising for him, both as a partner and a lover.

As a result, he feels shifty about anything he thinks may lead to full sex, the things you crave: holding hands, hugs and a fond kiss. He may see your needs as an inevitable prelude to sex and therefore shrinks from showing affection. 

It’s also possible that some of the medicines he’s taking are interfering with his ability to get and maintain an erection. Erectile dysfunction (ED) is very common anyway and by the time they’re in their sixties, almost half of men experience ED regularly.

As you rightly surmise, a man's ardour can indeed be dampened by drugs, such as those that lower blood pressure and beta blockers for the heart, antihistamines, painkillers, Parkinson’s medication and prostate cancer treatments. It would be worth finding out if any of his drugs are implicated.  

As you’re the person who wants to change the status quo, it falls to you to try to improve the situation. You should be the initiator.

It won’t be easy, especially if you and your partner haven’t talked much about sex. But be brave. After all, you’ve got nothing to lose. Your first priority is to reassure your husband he’s still the man you fell in love with.

Without putting any pressure on him, you could start off with something like, “Do you remember when…?” and share memories of something enjoyable you did in the past. Emphasise how much you love him and how good life still is with him. Reassure him you’re not looking for sex.  

What you’re aiming for is your husband to trust you and the space you’ve opened up for him so that he knows your response will be undemanding, warm and understanding. I don’t see any real alternative to talking. If you’re talking, things can improve. If you’re not, nothing can improve.  

While happy to forgo sex, explain you’d like to express affection with gestures like holding hands, a cuddle, a kiss. Don’t ask him, just do it, prefaced by something like, “I just want to hold your hand”. You might get a surprise.