Dr Miriam Stoppard gives her advice to a furious reader who found out husband has been having an affair for two years.
I have recently found out, by looking at his phone, that my husband has been having an affair with a woman at his work. I have confronted him about it, and he claims he didn’t want it – it began with a drunken encounter at a work-related outing to the races and led on from there.
He says he didn’t know how to get out of it – that she threatened to ruin him and to do something stupid to herself.
There are scores of messages going back two years, many of them arranging to meet up. I can’t get into his banking app to find out if they went to hotels although I have tried. He says he regrets every minute and will end it, and that he values our marriage.
We are both 58 and our children have just left home. We have been married for 32 years. I don’t actually want to be alone and I used to value our marriage too, but now I am so furious at being lied to that I can’t stand to look at him.
I understand your fury at finding out about your husband's two-year affair, and the rage and disappointment you must feel. The future life you expected to spend with him has been rent asunder.
It's a huge shock in anyone's book but I get the feeling you’re hellbent on finding out every last detail of his infidelity. Why? Evidence they’d stayed in hotels together would only rub salt in the wound.
Maybe you feel being eaten up by resentment is a natural reaction to being cheated on, but it’s not a good place for you to be. So much negativity comes at great cost to you.
You're unable to be rational, see your marriage for what it really is, and what it might be.
Look at what you still have. You still have a husband who wants to make amends, save his marriage and says he loves you. You could ease your pain and start to rebuild your confidence if you focused on that.
I appreciate your self-belief has taken a knock but you must find it again. For starters, you've successfully brought up two children together. That must be a strong bond between you and your husband. It’s an achievement you can both be proud of. You mentioned that they've only just flown the coop – could you be feeling the empty nest syndrome? I know I did. I grieved over losing them. It took me a year to cope with the emotions of “childlessness”.
Rather than disappear down a dark hole of recrimination you could count your blessings and move on, otherwise you could end up lonely and bitter. Don't be. Come out of this stronger not weaker. Concentrate on the positives.
Have a heart to heart with your husband and come up with a new arrangement. Your husband will be more than grateful for your peace offering and your children, when they hear about your generosity, will be proud of you.
If you have a problem for Dr Miriam, please email askdrmiriam@saga.co.uk. All emails will be treated in confidence.
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