My friends all think my new partner is a freeloader
Dr Miriam Stoppard advises caution to a man keen to move quickly in a new relationship.
Dr Miriam Stoppard advises caution to a man keen to move quickly in a new relationship.
I am a gay man in my fifties and I have recently met a much younger partner who I adore. He is an actor and earns much less than me, and my flat is much nicer than his, so we spend all our time at my home. I have had a very successful career in finance and can afford to cover our costs, and am beginning to think about asking him to move in with me.
However all my friends are cautioning against it, saying he is a “freeloader” and can’t be trusted. I am really hurt by this. They are typecasting our relationship where in truth we have a really great thing going. I am sick of being on my own and want to do this but I’d really like their support.
I don’t want to lose my friendship group as we have been together through thick and thin, but I’m really cross about this.
I think it would be as well if you tempered your anger. Anger isn’t going to get you anywhere and it stops you thinking rationally. Your dilemma is that your heart and your head are pulling in different directions. Your heart desperately wants this new relationship with the young man. Your head, on the other hand, can’t help listening to the sage advice of your trusted friends who are saying, “Watch out!”.
I can understand why you’re obsessed with your young lover. You love him and he probably loves you. You’re mature enough to have enough money to go round indeed, to indulge in some luxuries, and you can’t help fantasising about a life you could spend together in your home.
But a word of caution is in order. It seems to me, and your friends, that you’re leaping before you look, before you take a very careful, objective look at what you would be getting into.
You sound very generous and no doubt want to share all you have with your young lover and give him a better life than he’s had or is having at the present time. You can be “Mr Bountiful” if that’s what you wish. Trouble is I don’t think you’re quite ready for it. Why do I say that? Well, you’re a needy person yourself. You say: “I’m sick of being on my own”. That sounds like you’re in need of companionship.
At the same time you have need of your friends’ support and don’t want to lose your friendship group. As you say, you’ve been together through thick and thin and they have stood by you. Well, they’re standing by you now and giving you their best advice.
I know you want to rush ahead with your dream scenario, but I can see nothing wrong with waiting a little while so you get to know your young man better. Why not go away on holiday together when you can see each other up close and in the real world rather than the domestic fantasy that you’re trapped in?
If you have a problem for Dr Miriam, please email askdrmiriam@saga.co.uk. All emails are treated in confidence.
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