Dr Miriam Stoppard advises a widow on how to navigate modern dating etiquette and ways to broach the subject with her grown-up children.
I am in my seventies and a widow and have recently met a man, also in his seventies, through an online dating site, encouraged by my daughter-in-law with whom I am close.
I was surprised at the force of our attraction and flattered by his attention and on the third date he cooked me dinner and we ended up sleeping together. It was most enjoyable, which was surprising to me as, though my late husband and I enjoyed a healthy sex life, I hadn’t thought I was bothered about all that again.
However, I have recently discovered – in open conversation with my new "friend" – that he has slept with several other women since his wife died. He was quite open and natural about it, but I was taken aback as to me it had felt "special" and not something I anticipated doing again with someone else.
I had wanted to introduce him to my grown-up children but now I am not sure if we are exclusive or not as I don’t really understand the etiquette of modern dating – and sex. I don’t want to make a fool of myself. Please advise.
Well done you for going online and finding a new companion. Your new friendship is clearly a success. But you’re right, you’re not quite up to speed on the etiquette of modern dating.
That’s why you appear to be coming from different directions: you’re looking for a long-term, exclusive relationship with a man who sees dating as having a good time with several partners. Frankly, that’s what most people are looking for when they go online.
He’s that modern phenomenon, a 70-year-old who’s ethically non-monogamous wanting friendships with several women and if sex arises, all the better.
Having an exclusive relationship with one woman isn’t on his radar.
Do you know his past history? Has he been married? Did he have a long-term relationship with someone?
These facts could give you a well-rounded picture of him, and what he wants from the years he has left. Perhaps he just wants a good time and is making the most of it. That’s why he’s open about his other liaisons. You have to be grateful for that; he's not trying to pull the wool over your eyes and make you believe he’s something he isn't.
You may feel fidelity is a requirement before you introduce a new male friend to your grown-up children but they probably know more about the dating scene than you do. Seeking friendship online is something most people do nowadays, at all ages.
Try talking to your grown-up children about what’s happened. Who knows, they might see you in a completely new light and say, "good for you, Mum!".
Happiness is hard to find at the best of times so chill, and start taking life as it comes, getting the most out of every minute. To do that, you may have to revise your views of singles dating in your 70s.
If you have a problem for Dr Miriam, please email askdrmiriam@saga.co.uk. All emails are treated in confidence.
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