Dr Miriam Stoppard on the importance of kissing in a long-term relationship and how to bring back that loving feeling.
My partner and I met when we were in our late 30s – it was a head over heels romance, heightened by the fact we both wanted to have children as soon as possible (I was already 38).
We used to make love several times a week and would always kiss passionately. We are now in our 50s and the frequency of sex has dwindled to once a week, which is fine by me, but we never kiss any more. I don’t really mind this, if I’m honest, but does it matter?
Does it mean we are less intimate than before? I used to love kissing in the early days but now it feels a bit forced and, if I’m honest, embarrassing. Is this odd?
Do you remember that scene in Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts’ character, Vivian, is leaving her friend, Kit De Luca, for her evening’s work and her friend says, “And remember what I told you, no kissing!”?
Why no kissing? It’s often the first step in becoming intimate with someone, isn’t it?
Yes, it’s an act of surrender of giving yourself openly and completely – that’s why Vivan’s friend forbade her to kiss. Don’t go there; it’s too intimate; keep your client at arms length to prevent romantic entanglements. (That’s until she meets Richard Gere’s character, Edward…)
And that, I think, is why your partner avoids kissing now. It’s a powerful overture he doesn’t want to follow through. As you describe it, your initial passion has cooled, inevitably, as everyone’s does and you’ve settled into having sex once a week. I wouldn't use the word “dwindled”.
Sex may be on the agenda less often than when you first got together but it’s still 52 times a year.
To put that in perspective, 50 to 59-year-olds are having sex about twice a week but some not at all (about 1 in 4/5).
So rather than seeing it negatively, see it in a positive way: you’re still having sex in your 50s and a lot of people aren’t.
Have you shared your feelings with your partner? You should. Ask if there’s anything wrong?
More questions could be revealing. What do you feel when we kiss? Do you not like it anymore? Do you get aroused when we kiss? Then you could ask, what would you like/not like to do? I miss kissing you; I’d like to kiss you more.
Continuing with the filmic references, I’m reminded of Lauren Bacall saying to Humphrey Bogart in The Big Sleep, after they’d kissed, “I liked that. I’d like more”.
Something that’s desired by only one partner may be embarrassing, but it’s not odd. It can seem odd because it feels like rejection, asking someone to do something they’re reluctant to do.
It feels like you’re invading their privacy, so it’s bound to feel forced. It only matters if you feel resentment building.
Escalating resentment is a common reason for falling out of love with a partner. Don’t let it fester.
If you have a problem for Dr Miriam, please email askdrmiriam@saga.co.uk. All emails are treated in confidence.
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