My husband thinks I’m just doing my evening class to meet other men
Dr Miriam Stoppard advises a wife on how to deal with a jealous possessive husband who resents her new interests.
Dr Miriam Stoppard advises a wife on how to deal with a jealous possessive husband who resents her new interests.
I have recently embarked on a couple of courses at the University of the Third Age, studying History of Art and Italian, which I always regretted not doing at university. My problem is that my husband really seems to resent it.
We are both retired now, so are together all day, but I need to attend evening classes twice a week. It’s not going to last forever (it’s a 30-week course), and I love it so much, but he grumbles even though I leave him dinner on both nights.
He insinuates that I am doing it to meet up with other men and refuses to consider going on holiday to Italy this year, instead of France like we usually do, so that I can indulge my new passions and share them with him.
He’s being such a killjoy it’s really getting me down.
Congratulations on starting your university course on art history and Italian. How brave you are and how clever! I’m not sure you know this, but taking on new learning, particularly a foreign language, helps your brain remain youthful and you’re protecting yourself against the conditions that attack us later in life, such as dementia and Parkinson’s. So good for you and I hope you enjoy it!
The most important advice I can give you would be not to let your husband’s sour reactions dissuade you from continuing your studies. For once, think about yourself. It seems your husband selfishly wants you all to himself but dig your heels in and resist him. See yourself as a free agent who can engage in any new adventures you choose. After all, this may be the last-chance saloon for you.
I’m afraid I don’t feel sorry for your husband. I think he’s behaving very badly. In fact, I think he’s behaving like a petulant child and is using his passive-aggressive bribery to shackle you. Don’t let him. For your part, you’re falling over backwards to see he doesn’t miss out in your absences by leaving him a cooked meal. As I write, I’m beginning to think he doesn’t deserve you. I feel like shaking him and telling him to grow up.
To be positive, however, could you have a heart-to-heart with him? I think you should try to reconcile your differences then you will have nothing to regret. Does your branching out make him feel insecure? Does he want you to abandon your future plans? What would he like you to do? Would he come along with you to the university to see the other courses that are available for mature students and maybe choose one? When you have classes, could he meet his friends and have a night out with the boys, join a book club, or take up a hobby?
It depends on your love for him but if he fails to meet you halfway, I’m inclined to suggest you call it a day saying you’re sorry, but you’re going to continue with your studies, whatever.
If you have a problem for Dr Miriam, please email askdrmiriam@saga.co.uk. All emails are treated in confidence.
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