Dr Miriam Stoppard helps a wife who wants to let her partner know that sex doesn’t always have to last for ages.
I have been happily married to my husband for 25 years and we continue to have a sex life – not as active as it once was, but still respectable.
My problem is that I am a fan of what used to be called “a quick one”, while my husband seems to think it’s necessary to go on for what seems like hours. I think he thinks it’s a measure of his virility. I, meanwhile, look at sex as a way of remaining close.
How can I tactfully suggest he speeds up a bit? I’m sure he thinks he’s doing it for my sake, but I’d enjoy it a lot more if I could sort this out. I don’t want him to think I’m saying, “Get on with it!” – but I kind of wish he would!
Most women would probably say they’d like their partner to take longer over sex rather than taking it more quickly. In fact, women quite often feel short-changed as their partner reaches orgasm more rapidly than they do, and would prefer more foreplay in order to become aroused.
There’s that wonderful song by Eartha Kitt – who Orson Welles described as “the sexiest woman in the world” – in which she sings, “Who wouldn’t wait for an Englishman who takes his time?” Maybe your husband takes a long time because he’s slow to become aroused, and then to reach orgasm.
The reason you give for him taking a long time is that he feels you need it. But the contrary is true. It sounds from your letter that you’re a couple who don’t talk very much about sex and don’t give each other feedback. It would help you both very much indeed if you could chat about your sexual needs and preferences. If your husband needs a long time to get aroused, he’s probably too shy to say so, so why not take the initiative?
One of the things you might try is arousing him first with longer foreplay so that he’s aroused before penetration. So, next time sex is on the menu, you could begin with extended foreplay – kisses, caresses, etc – and prolong it until your husband is fully aroused. Then, when you move on to penetrative sex, it could be a lot shorter – the sort of “quickie” you would like.
I’m wondering if you find extended penetrative sex – which is your pattern at the moment – comfortable? I ask this because many women will say they become dry if penetrative sex goes on for too long, leading to discomfort and sometimes soreness.
One of the ways you could approach your husband is to explain this and say, for your own comfort, that you’d like penetrative sex to be shorter.
This way, changing your sexual routine would be no reflection on him, and he might be able to accept it more comfortably than if he thought his performance was in question.
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