My husband has just retired and is pestering me for sex
Dr Miriam Stoppard with advice on how to deal with a frisky, recently retired husband.
Image credit: Alun Callender
Dr Miriam Stoppard with advice on how to deal with a frisky, recently retired husband.
My husband is 62 and has recently retired from a full-time job. I have only ever worked part time because we have three children, now grown up.
In recent years I have been used to having the house to myself during the day. We generally get on very well but I have to admit I am resenting his presence a bit as I am used to making myself busy while he seems at a loss as to what to do with himself.
What’s more, he seems to view it all as an opportunity to pester me for sex at odd times when I’d rather be doing something else – if anything this is putting me off. How can I broach this with him?
When a man retires and begins to spend the whole day at home, a woman, who’s used to being queen of her household, can feel that a man is 'just getting under her feet'. Even though this is a common reaction to a partner’s retirement, it’s deeply unkind.
What is he supposed to do? Where should he go? How does he avoid 'taking up your space'? It’s a bit late for the two of you but the best way to avoid this dissonance is to plan retirement well ahead of time and take into account that two people will be thrown together in a way neither of them has experienced during the whole of their married life.
Any discussion of retirement should include how you would like to spend time together but also how you’d spend time apart. Your husband may be unaware of the independent life you’ve lived when he was working.
In that case you could explain it to him and say, for instance, 'On Tuesdays I go to a book club, on Thursdays I play bridge with friends and on Fridays I have lunch with the girls'. This not only explains how you spend your time but your husband will probably see you as a new woman, a woman who’s different from the one he married.
Explaining your social agenda will also show him the way to spend some time out of the house, on his own, with his mates, and with you. You should encourage him to play golf (it’s healthy), maybe join a local club and take up the hobby he’s been saying for years he would like to learn about.
Suddenly, your husband and your home will look different. It’s a place where you come together after doing your own thing. A place that can accommodate the new timetable of retirement. As for your husband pestering you to have sex at odd times, he’s probably feeling at a loose end, in your way, unwanted, and this is his attempt at looking for affection.
In the scenario you describe it would be easy for a man to feel rejected. If, however, you both enjoy a degree of independence and come home to be loved and cherished, retirement takes on a whole different complexion.
If you have a problem for Dr Miriam, please email askdrmiriam@saga.co.uk marked ‘Ask Dr Miriam’. All emails are treated in confidence.
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