My wife's weight gain is ruining our marriage

Dr Miriam Stoppard advises

I’m sure your concerns are genuine but they’re unkind. Start thinking a little more about your wife and what she’s feeling. I think she may be depressed, suffering a lack of confidence, a sense of worthlessness and despairing about the state she finds herself in. She needs your help to get out of that Slough of Despond. 

She no doubt feels your behaviour is callous (your word) and unchivalrous, again, your word. Do you think she doesn’t know how you feel? She does, and as a result she feels she’s disappointed you. It’s lack of self-worth that’s allowed her to become unattractive. What she needs from you is help not disapproval, albeit unspoken.

Instead of thinking yourself as badly done by, think more about your wife’s needs. What kind of help does she want?

How would she like you to behave towards her? Give her the opportunity to tell you how unhappy she is.

I’m pretty sure unhappiness is the root of her weight gain. She eats to comfort herself. Think of situations where she might open up to you.

You say she doesn’t want to leave the house, but that isn’t a reason for not spoiling her. Try setting up a romantic dinner with you doing all the work. You choose the mood music; you buy celebratory food (Marks & Spencer has a great line in this); and you buy her favourite bottle of wine.

I can imagine how she’ll react to this overture from you. She probably imagines you’ve washed your hands of her, and she could be overjoyed to realise you haven’t.

Given the effort you make, the romantic setting, and a few glasses of wine I think she might venture to tell you what her feelings are. You could get a big surprise and I hope you will. She may want to change her life – perhaps to lose some weight. If that happens, she’ll need a lot of support from you, a lot of encouragement, and a lot of love.

Put her feelings ahead of your feelings. Do you think you can do that?