How to make new friends

We all know that having friends is good for both our health and our happiness, but what happens when you suddenly find an empty space in your social circle?

“Think about what’s meaningful and important to you – it’s the key to finding people you’re likely to get on with.”

Veronica Hatton, 70, had a similar experience when she moved back to her native Manchester ten years ago.

“I came back because my mother was unwell, but that coincided with me ending a 20-year relationship and stopping work,” she says. Via Meetup she found a book group called Literature and Laughter for Ladies.

“I thought a book club would be an easy way to meet people: I like reading, and this group has monthly get-togethers in a pub.”

There were around 30 women at the first session.

“You get into smaller groups to discuss the book, so it’s not daunting,” says Veronica.

“Now, if I want to go to a movie I’ll buy myself a ticket and put a shoutout on the members-only website saying, if you fancy it, do come along. And people always do.”

A few weeks earlier she tried out another group but felt it wasn’t for her. “You have to go with your instincts; if it doesn’t feel right, try something else,” she advises.

The benefits of a good social life are well documented: friends keep you happier and healthier, and even help you live longer.

“Good relationships are the bedrock of everything else, and you need to focus on them in the same way you’d focus on a career or hobby,” says Robin Hewings of the Campaign to End Loneliness.

He advises what Liam and Veronica’s experiences prove: start with your own interests.

“Think what’s meaningful and important to you, as that’s the key to finding people you’re likely to get on with,” he says. “Issues you’re drawn to are where you’ll find people you want to befriend.”

Making friends can be easier than you think, he says, but there are some caveats: “If your life is a bit rocky right now, for whatever reason, it can be intimidating and scary to put yourself out there with new people. Be aware you might need to push yourself in ways that might not feel easy, but will pay off.

"For example, my 84-year-old mother, who has just moved into sheltered housing in a new town, tells me she always sits next to someone new at social events in the lounge. She says, ‘It’s easy to sit next to the person you sat with last week, but you’ll get to know more people if you choose someone new.’”

“Be open to different sorts of friendships. When you’ve got life experience you can be a terrific friend to a younger person.”

Psychologist Dr Becci Dow, who chairs a British Psychological Society group on older people, says what matters most when you’re looking for friends is being receptive to them.

“Be open to different sorts of friendships,” she says. “When you’ve got life experience and time, you can be a terrific friend to a younger person.” And don’t dismiss the importance of peripheral friendships with people like the postman or the person who delivers your parcels.

“We need friends across a broad spectrum, and it’s having social contact that matters most,” she says.

For Veronica, Literature and Laughter for Ladies has been a godsend.

“Knowing them has really enhanced my life,” she says. “As we always say, we’re fluid about the literature and the ladies elements, but the laughter is compulsory."

Finding friends after bereavement

Julia Samuel, author of This Too Shall Pass, about how to cope with change, suggests joining groups that are connected to something you enjoy and have a structure, such as a choir or walking group.

"These are such good ways to find friends because you have the framework for getting out there, and you’re more likely to do it even if you’re not feeling great," says Julia.