Can I ask my sister-in-law to remove her shoes?
Our reader wants guests to remove their shoes. Her sister-in-law refuses. Anne Robinson tackles a surprisingly thorny family dilemma.
Emanuel Wiemans
Our reader wants guests to remove their shoes. Her sister-in-law refuses. Anne Robinson tackles a surprisingly thorny family dilemma.
I have always run a ‘shoes off’ house – I am tidy by nature and don’t like the idea of people tramping dirt from the streets across my clean floors. However, my sister-in-law is the opposite. She lives down a muddy lane with a house full of dogs and doesn’t think twice about walking mud through our house. Actually, I think she glories in it and views removing your shoes at the door as rather ‘common’.
She’s always done it – and it’s always irritated me – but things have got worse since her husband died last year and she’s a more frequent visitor.
It sounds trivial but it is really driving a wedge between us. My husband thinks I should leave it alone, but I think he should support me. What is your view?
I appreciate the world is roughly divided between delusional dog owners and people who like to keep a tidy house. But a few questions first. Is your home a ‘shoes off’ under any circumstances or are you flexible?
For example, if on a wet day the Princess of Wales unexpectedly popped in for a cuppa would you point to those stonking six-inch heels she wears and indicate they were to come off? Or if I came for supper along with, say, six or seven others, would you expect us to spend the evening prancing around in our stocking feet? And would we be in our stocking feet because you had answered the door and swiftly explained the house rules? Or should I have guessed the house rules? Are you maybe discretionary? On a rainy day, do you make sure workmen and children shed their shoes, but hesitate to demand the same of someone you don’t know very well?
I ask, because I suspect there might be a bit more than a dirty shoe problem going on with your sister-in-law. Are we, in fact, witnessing a crafty piece of silent warfare? One that has as much to do with you not liking her all that much as your protectiveness towards your floors. I would say yes. I also predict the game could run and run. Particularly as she is recently widowed and counting on you avoiding a confrontation.
Meanwhile, her behaviour is driving you nuts. Enough! You need to buy a few pairs of backless slippers and say with a smile, "You’ll think I am an enormous fusspot, but can you take off your shoes? There are slippers here if you want to put them on."
She will probably think you are an enormous fusspot. She might even have thought that since the day you married her brother. I doubt, anyway, it will change her long-time view of you and you of her, but it will save your carpets.
As for your husband not supporting you: it’s a brave man that messes with his sister. Keep it simple. Just stick to the message about shoes and slippers. And deliver it with a warmth that might not be from the bottom of your heart.
If you have a problem for Anne Robinson email her at Ask Annie askannie@saga.co.uk
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