The one mistake later life daters make – by the woman who helps celebrities find love
A television dating expert reveals the mistakes older people make when looking for love and the golden rules to follow.
A television dating expert reveals the mistakes older people make when looking for love and the golden rules to follow.
For the past five years relationship expert Anna Williamson has been working with celebrities to improve their dating skills.
In the C4 series Celebs Go Dating, Williamson helps TV stars who've been through heartache to learn how to love again.
And the relationship expert says what its taught her is that older people make one big mistake when they start to date.
“Dating is very different when we get older,” says the counsellor and therapist. “The biggest mistake I see is that they are not being honest with themselves.
“It might just be you are looking for a sexual partner, you want to have some sex, great, healthy, fun sex with no strings attached, not even in your own home but somewhere neutral.
“Or you might be after a genuine companionship, wanting to experience movies, theatres, hobbies with somebody, but not wanting a physical relationship for whatever reasons - it might be physical, it might be medical.
“Whatever you want, you must be really honest with yourself. What do I want? What do I need? And crucially, what do I not need?”
Williamson says by asking yourself these key questions, it will save you hours of wasted time and heartache through meeting and dating the wrong people.
“The more vague we are, the more we're going to have to sift through the wheat and the chaff,” she explains. “And that's when a lot of people become fatigued, saying, oh, there's a lot of nonsense out there.'"
Williamson says that even though there are new terms around dating, at the end of the day we are all still human beings, hoping to find love.
She’s got seven golden rules for later life dating.
I meet some people who say they don’t want another sexual partner, they just want a companion. But then it’s turned physical and they’ve ended up marrying them. Or it can be the other way round.
Everyone is evolving all the time, and how you might feel today and this month could be very different to how you might feel next year.
You might decide after dating for a while that you’ve had your fun and now you’d like to find some commitment, so the ones who are just after a bit of sex won’t be for you anymore.
Many older daters have loved ones and friends who may nervous about them dating again. They want to look after you but they have their own emotional baggage about the situation.
It feels like there's a lot of other people to consider, when actually, all you need to be considering is what you want.
Remember to be healthily selfish about what you want, what you need and what you deserve. Everybody deserves love.
Don’t judge others you meet against others from your past, because every new person you meet will come with a whole new smorgasbord of pros, cons, challenges, personality types.
Everybody is uniquely different, and it can be very tiring, actually, to get to know somebody new each time.
But always turn that spotlight inwards and ask what you are looking for right now.
I always say these should be regarded more as meeting apps or websites and they can be a very useful tool.
They're a great opportunity to meet people in a safe way, and they are safe as long as you keep the privacy settings and don't divulge any personal information until you really have got to know that person.
If you're feeling nervous remember so is your date. Also feeling a bit unsure is a sign that you care.
It's a really daunting prospect for lots of people, so only go at your own pace, and with what you feel comfortable with. The older we get the more lumps and bumps we have and its about embracing that and not measuring yourself against anyone else.
It's important that we communicate and share what we are feeling as best we can, so that the other person also knows whether it's a green go or a red stop. That ensures they're also protected and are safe as well. It might feel awkward in the moment, but it is the best thing for everyone.
You might like to be say "I do like you. But this is quite an overwhelming thing for me. I haven't been physical for some time. Do you mind if we just take our time?"
Let’s not forget that we are the generation who got to marry for love. Because in generations gone by it was transactional, for status or protection of livelihood.
Certainly nobody got to choose a partner for love or romance.
Enjoy that freedom, that liberation and explore yourself. The older you get, the better you are, like fine wine.
You’ve still got urges and feelings and emotions and some of the best sex and best relationships are in our golden years.
Anna Williamson is a relationship expert and celebrity life coach. Her latest book is Where is the Love? The Honest Guide to Dating and Relationships.
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