"We must never use our children for our own ends" - Jenni Murray on celebrity parents
In the wake of the Beckham family feud, our columnist says she almost caused a family rift by writing about her sons - and vows never to break their trust again.
In the wake of the Beckham family feud, our columnist says she almost caused a family rift by writing about her sons - and vows never to break their trust again.
For years, I have used my children for inspiration, good stories and, I have to confess, the promotion of my image as a warm, caring and attentive mother. They’ve appeared in my books, articles and columns. It was never a problem when they were little and I was writing about sibling rivalry, fights, arguments, appetites, the games they played, and the books they read.
A little later, it might be the books they didn’t read, expressing maternal anxiety about how hard it was to settle a boy down to a good story when he preferred a computer game.
There were complaints about it as their teenage years progressed and friends at school teased them about what I’d written. Grumbles along the lines of "Do you have to do it, Mum? Everybody knows about us" were airily dismissed by me. "Life is copy" was my most common line of defence.
"People always say you have to get used to it if you live with a writer," I would say. "You are my life. You’re the most interesting thing about me. Of course I’m going to write about you. It’s how I earn our living."
It’s only recently that I began to acknowledge I must stop using them. They both became angry that their names, their jobs and their relationships would appear in the national press. They were adults with precious private lives and partners who objected vociferously to appearing as public property.
Their fury frightened me. I could no longer trot out my "Life is copy" line. They were no longer my life. They had lives of their own and the right to make decisions, have successes and failures, which they shared with me because they loved and trusted me, but that trust was put at risk if I, the writer, abused it.
They are far more important to me than a few good stories for a column. I could see that I was risking estrangement. To drive my sons away from me would break my heart. I simply had to stop and run no risk of falling into a growing phenomenon where young people walk away from families who hurt and upset them.
The charity Stand Alone estimates that one in four families has a younger member who has walked away, often breaking the hearts of their mystified parents. David and Victoria Beckham are doubtless wondering where they went wrong. Their eldest, Brooklyn, now 26, has exploded in fury, writing about how his parents used their kids to promote their image of the perfect family.
Do Sir David and Lady Victoria understand that huge houses, your own yacht for splendid holidays, and access to friends who can offer publishing deals or cookery lessons are not enough if your children don’t believe they’re truly loved? Will they be stinging from Brooklyn’s description of how love in his family is decided by how much you post on social media or how willing you are to show up for family photo ops?
Will Victoria be full of anxiety that she failed to produce a wedding dress for Nicola, or is she beating herself up for maybe dancing inappropriately at his wedding? Does she realise that a mother can never compete with her son’s chosen companion? Will she be terrified that she has lost him forever and undo the action she took in 2017 where she trademarked his name? No competitor can use ‘Brooklyn Beckham’ to promote their product or business without her permission.
I have a horrible feeling she and David could still be seething that the child who was so vital to their perfect family brand has shattered that image by telling the world how imperfect his family life was. Or will she be less concerned by her unhappy son now that her record has gone to number one? Will brand and financial gain ever supersede a parent’s love for their son?
The Beckham story is echoed in what happened to Harry Windsor and to the mother of Adam Peaty. A wife always takes precedence, and the younger generation will tell it like it is, whether it’s in a book or an Instagram post.
As parents, we must never use our children for our own ends. We must listen and empathise as they choose lives over which we have no control. I’ve listened. Nothing is more important than a happy family. I won’t write about my sons again without their permission.
[Hero image credit: Mark Harrison]
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