The one mistake later life daters make – by the woman who helps celebrities find love

For the past five years relationship expert Anna Williamson has been working with celebrities to improve their dating skills.

In the C4 series Celebs Go Dating, Williamson helps TV stars who've been through heartache to learn how to love again.

And the relationship expert says what its taught her is that older people make one big mistake when they start to date.

“Dating is very different when we get older,” says the counsellor and therapist. “The biggest mistake I see is that they are not being honest with themselves.

“It might just be you are looking for a sexual partner, you want to have some sex, great, healthy, fun sex with no strings attached, not even in your own home but somewhere neutral.

“Or you might be after a genuine companionship, wanting to experience movies, theatres, hobbies with somebody, but not wanting a physical relationship for whatever reasons - it might be physical, it might be medical.

“Whatever you want, you must be really honest with yourself. What do I want? What do I need? And crucially, what do I not need?”

Williamson says by asking yourself these key questions, it will save you hours of wasted time and heartache through meeting and dating the wrong people.

“The more vague we are, the more we're going to have to sift through the wheat and the chaff,” she explains. “And that's when a lot of people become fatigued, saying, oh, there's a lot of nonsense out there.'"

The golden rules of later life dating

Williamson says that even though there are new terms around dating, at the end of the day we are all still human beings, hoping to find love.

She’s got seven golden rules for later life dating.

1. Be flexible

I meet some people who say they don’t want another sexual partner, they just want a companion. But then it’s turned physical and they’ve ended up marrying them. Or it can be the other way round.

Everyone is evolving all the time, and how you might feel today and this month could be very different to how you might feel next year.

You might decide after dating for a while that you’ve had your fun and now you’d like to find some commitment, so the ones who are just after a bit of sex won’t be for you anymore.

2. Be selfish

Many older daters have loved ones and friends who may nervous about them dating again. They want to look after you but they have their own emotional baggage about the situation.

It feels like there's a lot of other people to consider, when actually, all you need to be considering is what you want.

Remember to be healthily selfish about what you want, what you need and what you deserve. Everybody deserves love.

3. Don’t compare

Don’t judge others you meet against others from your past, because every new person you meet will come with a whole new smorgasbord of pros, cons, challenges, personality types.

Everybody is uniquely different, and it can be very tiring, actually, to get to know somebody new each time.

But always turn that spotlight inwards and ask what you are looking for right now.

4. Try a dating site or app

I always say these should be regarded more as meeting apps or websites and they can be a very useful tool.

They're a great opportunity to meet people in a safe way, and they are safe as long as you keep the privacy settings and don't divulge any personal information until you really have got to know that person.

• Use recommendations from family and friends who have used one before signing up and then do your own research.
• Don’t discount free apps and sites and don’t feel obliged to pay money for extras.
• Don’t put any personal information online, such as your address.
• If you are feeling nervous ask a friend or loved one to sit with you when you set up your profile or go through your searches and use them as a soundboard.
• If something doesn’t feel right, use the site admins, ask for help and if it feels wrong, disengage very quickly.
• You'll soon start to figure out who are the intentional real ones, and who are the time wasters.

5. Go a date

If you're feeling nervous remember so is your date. Also feeling a bit unsure is a sign that you care.

• For your first date choose somewhere accessible and public and keep it short. Half an hour for coffee is perfect.
• Be yourself. If you don’t wear heels or bright lipstick don’t do it now, but also don’t wear your old dog walking trainers.
• For an evening date dress like you would for dinner with a best mate on a Friday night. Smart, groomed and taking care of your personal hygiene.
• Remember there is no formula. There is no book that can tell you how to be. All you need to be is your authentic self in all glory.

6. Getting physical

It's a really daunting prospect for lots of people, so only go at your own pace, and with what you feel comfortable with. The older we get the more lumps and bumps we have and its about embracing that and not measuring yourself against anyone else.

It's important that we communicate and share what we are feeling as best we can, so that the other person also knows whether it's a green go or a red stop. That ensures they're also protected and are safe as well. It might feel awkward in the moment, but it is the best thing for everyone.

You might like to be say "I do like you. But this is quite an overwhelming thing for me. I haven't been physical for some time. Do you mind if we just take our time?"

7. Have fun

Let’s not forget that we are the generation who got to marry for love. Because in generations gone by it was transactional, for status or protection of livelihood.

Certainly nobody got to choose a partner for love or romance.

Enjoy that freedom, that liberation and explore yourself. The older you get, the better you are, like fine wine.

You’ve still got urges and feelings and emotions and some of the best sex and best relationships are in our golden years.