Would having a female friend be disloyal to my wife with dementia?

 This is a very delicate matter, and I would value your advice. My wife has had dementia for several years. I am her main carer, and our two adult children and their teenage children visit frequently. 

She has good days and bad, and sometimes forgets who’s who among the children and grandchildren, but so far she’s always known me.  She visits a day centre twice a week and I’m able to go out. It’s hard to explain how lonely and hard this life can be.

Six months ago, I met a lovely woman in the gym café and we’ve had coffee several times – we can talk for hours without noticing the time.

She has asked me to lunch at a fancy restaurant, she says no strings – she knows about my wife. I’ve said "friends only", but I still feel disloyal and worried what my children would say if they knew.

What should I do, and should I tell them about our friendship? 

Anne Robinson says seize the chance to have some innocent fun

My mother had dementia in her final years. I understand how sad, lonely and exhausting life is for the main carer. You are admirably uncomplaining while coping with what is rightly called a living bereavement. The person you have known and loved is disappearing.

Your wife still recognises you, but her condition means the companionship you have shared with her is no longer available. And even though your children and grandchildren play their part, and you have some day care in place, it still leaves you with huge chunks of time when you are managing on your own.

I doubt anyone would begrudge you taking the opportunity to enjoy this offer of friendship with someone whose company you clearly enjoy.

You will be harming no one. Indeed, you will be giving yourself a much-needed change of scenery and breaking the monotony that being a main carer inevitably involves. 

Having said that, I cannot predict how your children and grandchildren might react. And nor can you. They are losing their mother and their granny and it’s possible one or two of them might illogically feel you spending time with another woman is disloyal. It very much isn’t.

I urge you to take up the invitation to lunch and see how it goes. If the relationship deepens you can judge the moment to tell your children and teenage grandchildren.

For now, please seize the chance to have some innocent fun. A chance you richly deserve.