Is it fair we give one daughter more money? Her sister doesn't think so

A reader asks

We have two grown-up children and have supported them both financially in different ways – contributions to house deposits, ad hoc cash injections in tough times, etc. We haven’t kept count, though our youngest, who struggles with life (depression, she’s single and isn’t always in work), has had more over the years.

We’ve always viewed our help as based on need – we pay her rent when she can’t work, for example. Both daughters are now in their thirties and it’s clearly rankled for a long time with our eldest, who says it’s only fair we address the disparity in our will, with interest.

If she needed help, we’d give it. But she and her husband have plenty of money and live a lifestyle way beyond ours. What do you think?

My husband is livid with her (especially about the interest).

Anne Robinson replies

I would be very tempted to give your elder daughter a great big slap. But let’s put my childishness to one side.

I did a documentary on money a while ago and it was fascinating to delve into people’s attitudes to it. One universal truth emerged: generous folk may be poor, rich ones can be very mean.

You might suppose that siblings brought up in the same home would view money in much the same way, but quite the opposite is true.

Thus your elder daughter and her husband are quietly seething at what they see as a grossly unfair distribution of your assets – even though those assets come to far less than theirs.

Part of the problem of a couple reaching bonkers – even outrageous – conclusions is that the mirror in the room doesn’t leap out and protest at their idiocy. In other words, no third party is listening and pointing out the absurdity of their expectations. So, left to themselves, the indignation of your daughter and husband has grown more and more unreasonable.

I suggest you invite them over for supper and a chat. Then encourage them to tell you exactly how they feel about what they see as the unfair way you are spending your money.

Sit quietly without interrupting them and let them continue until they have completely run out of steam. Then one or other of you can say very nicely that your money belongs to you, and you will continue to use it exactly how you wish – in much the same way as your elder daughter and her husband spend their money without any interference from you.

Tell them that your younger daughter needs support, which you give happily. As you would – and have – given to either of them when they needed help.

If her sister wasn’t struggling then maybe you and your husband might take more holidays, change cars or whatever it is you might alternatively spend on yourselves. Again, you would not expect your children to criticise your choices.

Similarly, when it comes to your two daughters’ inheritance, you will be making the decision about who gets what.

In the meantime you will continue to mind your own business about how your daughter and her husband spend what they earn. And quite reasonably you expect them to respect your right to spend your money as you see fit.

I predict that your polite but firm message will call a halt to their ugly attempts at shaming and browbeating you.

I, and I am sure many readers, would like to hear the outcome.