Cancelled by your children? What’s causing this worrying trend
More adult children are going “no contact” with their parents. Why is it becoming more common, and can these rifts be mended?
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More adult children are going “no contact” with their parents. Why is it becoming more common, and can these rifts be mended?
On the furthest edge of Cornwall lives a woman barely known to her neighbours. Arriving recently from the other end of the country, she keeps herself to herself. She has found a job in a local school, walks the coastal path on her days off, and swims in the sea whatever the weather.
Clare*, 60, is there to escape her old life. She wanted the greatest possible distance between herself and the home where she’d raised her only son as a single mother, and then, years later, looked after her granddaughter.
When her son cut off all contact, it became too painful for Clare to stay. “There were memories everywhere,” she says. “The kitchen where we baked, the allotment where we’d dig, the garden where we played. The shame and pain are indescribable. No words come close. I came to Cornwall to find some peace, some solace. I needed to be somewhere people knew nothing about me.”
Clare’s family breakdown, like many others, is impossible to understand from the outside. There are no allegations of abuse or serious harm. As she sees it, she had been a doting mother. Her son was, she says, “her world”, and when he married, Clare’s relationship with her daughter-in-law had initially been good.
When her grandchild was born, Clare, then 50, left her job in the legal profession to provide childcare while her daughter-in-law returned to work. They were Clare’s happiest years, though she wonders now if her daughter-in-law resented the strong bond between grandparent and child. “Little things were left to fester and build,” she says.
When her granddaughter reached school age, Clare felt that she was no longer needed – and admits, with hindsight, that she was “grumpy”, asking to stay involved and offering to do the school pick-up.
Tensions escalated. “Eventually, my son told me we needed to put in some boundaries, and that this was a good time for a ‘break’,” she says. “One week became two, then that became a month.”
Six years have passed and another grandchild has been born – though Clare has never met her.
Stories of adult children cutting off their parents seem to be everywhere right now. The Beckhams are one example. Once a tight family unit, the rift between David and Victoria, and their oldest son Brooklyn, has been a subject of much discussion.
Olympic swimmer Adam Peaty is another. His recent marriage to Holly Ramsay, daughter of celebrity chef Gordon, has been marred by tales of Peaty’s own family fallout. He did not invite his parents and brothers to his star-studded wedding.
And, of course, the nation’s most famous family has suffered a very public fracture, with Prince Harry walking away from his father and brother, and sharing a “tell-all” memoir with the world.
The latest term for cutting out your parents is going “no contact” – and Instagram and TikTok are overflowing with accounts from young adults who have done it. So, is it really on the rise?
Dr Lucy Blake, an academic who focuses on family estrangement, thinks it’s more likely that people are more open about it now. “It’s been a huge taboo, and so stigmatised that people didn’t talk about it,” she says. “People thought it was rare. It hasn’t been a major area of study for very long, but research is showing how common it is.”
US-based psychologist Dr Joshua Coleman agrees. Dr Coleman wrote his first book on estrangement, When Parents Hurt, in 2007 after experiencing it, post-divorce, with his daughter. Since then, supporting parents who have been “cut off” by their adult children has been his life’s work. “I’m contacted every day by so many parents going through this. Therapists are seeing rising rates. It’s epidemic.”
Reliable statistics are hard to come by, but research suggests that 6-9% of adult children are estranged from their mothers, and 20-26% from their fathers. There are many pathways, says Dr Coleman. Parental abuse is one reason but, in his experience, not the most common. Divorce and parental separation are a more typical route, as is the influence of a new family member – a parent’s new partner or the adult child’s.
Dr Coleman also points to rising rates of individualism and, as he puts it, “the invasion of therapeutic culture”. “The language of therapy has framed this as cutting off 'toxic family' to support ‘personal growth’ and ‘be true to your identity’,” he says.
“It’s sloppy science. It’s also shortsighted. Those young adults cancelling their parents might one day find that their own children estrange them, too. They may think they are doing it all the right way, but it might not be seen as the right way in 20 years’ time.”
Even something many of us might see as trivial in comparison to family bonds – like the way we vote – has become a fault line. “Previous generations didn’t expect to agree politically with their parents,” says Dr Coleman. “Now, political identity has become the biggest value indicator, and social media has really amplified our tribal thinking. I think it highlights how fragile we’ve become that we can’t tolerate differences.”
Perhaps at the heart of this is a fundamental shift in values. “The era of ‘honour thy father and thy mother’ and ‘respect your elders’ has been replaced with ‘protect your happiness, your self-esteem, your boundaries’,” says Dr Coleman.
Where once, in the name of duty, difficult family dynamics may have been tolerated through gritted teeth, now there is no such requirement. For this reason, when tensions arise, parents may not know how best to respond.
“Adult children are facing their parents with complaints and observations that their parents wouldn’t have dreamt of saying to their own parents, so it’s a new conversation,” explains Dr Coleman. “Parents aren’t really trained in that, and end up making it worse.”
There are many “wrong responses” and only a handful of right ones, says Dr Coleman. “Most importantly, when your kid comes to talk about their childhood or your relationship and give critical feedback, parents should listen with empathy and curiosity,” he says.
“Don’t be reactive or defensive, don’t explain it away. They are telling you these things because they want to have a better relationship with you, or to improve something within themselves. If they are shut down, they’ll feel misunderstood or not cared about.”
This is often far harder than it sounds, especially if a child’s memories and perceptions differ wildly from their parents’. In fact, it was too much for Clare, whose son did agree early on in the estrangement to four online therapy sessions with his mum. “In my eyes, I was expected to own up to all these faults and accept things that just weren’t true,” she says. “I’ve worked in courts for years, and no sane person would admit to things they hadn’t done.” After this, the gulf between Clare and her family widened.
When contact between parents and child has ceased completely, experts advise writing a really good letter. “Tell them you know they wouldn’t do this unless they thought it was the healthiest thing to do,” says Dr Coleman. “You’d like to completely understand, so would they be comfortable writing a little about their thoughts and feelings if you promise to listen? You’d welcome therapy with them too. You’re saying, ‘Feel comfortable about complaining if you want. I’ll listen’.”
If there is no response, Dr Coleman suggests a follow-up eight weeks later; a gentle check-in to see if they had a chance to look at the letter. “If you still hear nothing, I typically tell parents to give it a year,” he says. “Don’t keep trying. Your adult child could need time and space to sort out their feelings.”
Never, ever just turn up at their door. “It backfires every time,” he says. “The adult child feels that the parent isn’t respecting their boundaries – and 'respecting boundaries' is something that always comes up.”
For parents waiting, hoping, Dr Blake recommends seeking out a supportive community. “It can often be such a deep grief and a very lonely place,” she says.
An accredited therapist specialising in family issues might also help. “Really, it’s about trying to find any kindness or compassion,” says Dr Blake. “Whether it’s through a religious group or a kindly neighbour, find people who will listen.”
For Clare, this came through the Bristol Grandparents Support Group, which includes people from all over the UK who have become estranged from their children and grandchildren. “They saved me,” she says. “Anyone who hasn’t been through it themselves will judge you and think, ‘You must have done something terrible’. These are people who understand.”
Her greatest hope is that her granddaughter remembers her pre-school years spent with Clare, and one day comes looking for her. “I still think of her every single day; how much she’d love it here by the sea and the adventures we could have,” she says.
“I hate social media, but I keep it up so that she’ll be able to find me when she’s old enough. I just need to stay fit and healthy until that day comes.”
*Name has been changed
[Hero image credit: Getty]
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