How and when do you talk to your relatives?

Are women still the family kinkeepers? Our in-depth poll of Saga customers reveals who's talking to who and how often.

An illustration of a phone in a hand with the contacts on the screen | Shutterstock

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By Rachel Carlyle | Published - 20 Aug 2024

It’s an old cliché that women phone their family for a chat, whereas men only phone when there’s a reason.

In my dad’s case, that was usually to dispense emergency advice on bringing my half-dead tomato plants back to life (along with incredulity at my incompetence as a plantswoman).

That cliché seems to be only partly true if our survey of 3,119 Saga customers is to be believed: only 33% of men say they’re more likely to call family members when there’s a specific reason, which is only slightly more than the number of women (28%).

14% have a fixed day to call

Men keep in contact with close family members almost as frequently as women, too – challenging another cliché that it’s women who keep families together. More than one in four (28%) men in their 60s have contact with their children every day, compared to 34% of women.

Older men, in their 70s, are less likely to have daily contact (21%), but then again, so are 70-something women (23%).

The most common frequency for contact with adult children is two to three times a week (48% of men and 43% for women). And frequency of contact with grandchildren is similar for both the sexes.

78% contact children by text or WhatsApp

Traditionally, it’s women who are the family ‘glue’ – called kinkeepers: the ones who know when birthdays are, organise events, and call adult children. In one study from almost 30 years ago, 85% of kinkeepers were women.

Author Dr Dawn Braithwaite from the University of Nebraska-Lincoln in the US, believes they still are:

"Even with the increase in technologies that can help families stay connected, most family kinkeepers have been, and still are, women… mostly ranging in age from 40 to 69, with some taking on the role into their 70s."

However, Suzy Reading, a chartered psychologist from the British Psychological Association, believes things are very slowly changing. "Some men are doing more but it’s slow to evolve."

8% of men never speak to extended family.
Saga’s women spend longer on the phone to relatives than men: 40% of women generally spend more than 20 minutes on the phone to children, compared to 33% of men.
Women are more likely to have those marathon calls over 30 minutes: 19% of mothers make these, compared to 10% of men.
The most popular way to keep in touch with children is by meeting in person (79%), followed by text or WhatsApp (78%) and phone call (70%).
Siblings are more likely to be contacted by phone (68%) than text (63%). And extended family are most likely to be pinged by text or WhatsApp (46%).
Almost nobody still writes letters, used by 3% of the youngest customers and 10% of those in their 80s.

Saga customers seem broadly satisfied by the level of connectedness they have with close family (61%), although 28% would like more frequent contact with their extended family, 20% want more contact with their siblings and 23% would like more contact with their adult children.

Reading has some suggestions to help increase family contact.

Set a regular time (Sunday morning is hers to speak to her mum in Australia).
Create family WhatsApp groups with a theme: she plays the word game Wordle with her brothers and their mother, and on Sundays, her children join in too. "Three generations of us Wordle over FaceTime on a Sunday morning."
Call your family when you’re out on a walk – it’s about finding simple little strategies that are low-effort and keep us all connected.

Suzy Reading - The Self-Care Revolution (Aster) RRP: £15

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Written by: Rachel Carlyle

Over a career spanning 30 years and counting, Rachel Carlyle has written features on news, health, family, education - and everything in between - for national newspapers and magazines. She’s Saga Magazine’s contributing editor and has also ghostwritten two bestselling health and lifestyle books for Penguin.

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How and when do you talk to your relatives?

Written by: Rachel Carlyle

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