How to talk about inheritance with your family

Whether you’re a parent wanting to outline your wishes, or an adult child hoping to understand the plan, inheritance is one of the hardest topics to broach. The fear of seeming morbid, greedy or insensitive can lead to a stalemate where crucial conversations are avoided by everyone.

This habit appears to be a national trend. Three-quarters of adult children said they hadn’t discussed any plans with their parents for what they want to do with their money and assets when they die, according to financial advice firm RBC Brewin Dolphin.

This collective silence can be costly, potentially ending in disputes over a will and even ripping families apart when they’re at their lowest. But how do you break the ice and avoid causing offence? We’ve rounded up some expert tips for both parents and children.

What’s on this page?

• Lead by example – get your own affairs in order
• Know the importance of a will
• Discuss lasting power of attorney
• Plan for the cost of future care
• What if there’s a family business?
• Focus on legacy and peace of mind
• 13 conversation starters to try

Lead by example – get your own affairs in order

Kieran Osborne, founder of estate planning consultancy Squiggle Consult, has a piece of advice that works for both parents and children: get your own affairs in order first. This allows you to bring the topic up more naturally in the context of what’s been happening in your own life. Whether you’re a parent who has just updated your will, or a child who has recently set up a lasting power of attorney, you can use that experience as a gentle entry point.

You can casually ask if it’s something other family members are on top of too. Osborne says this can work particularly well for children who are unsure how to broach it with their parents. “It’s about doing it in a way that doesn’t look like you’re being money-grabbing, or looking like you’re wanting to inherit. It ends up being more about the fact that you’re getting your affairs in order, and why don’t they look at doing the same?

“Your ageing parents are well aware of their mortality. They don’t want to think about it. By you taking the lead on this area of your own life, it shows it’s not about being fearful, but about being prepared.”

While a will is the core document that will need to be drawn up, framing the task as the overall process of ‘estate planning’ can be more helpful, Osborne adds. The goal is to prompt family members to think through how they want their wealth reallocated following their death – and to put it in writing to make it official.

Know the importance of a will

A will should be the starting point of estate planning, identifying who will inherit what. The goal of a will is to ensure assets are distributed according to the individual’s wishes. This can help to prevent issues, for example in situations where there has been a remarriage, or where there is a risk of a dispute between siblings. Remember, the aim of the conversation is to encourage action, not to tell family members how to divvy everything up.

Osborne also recommends reviewing a will every three years. If you’re doing this yourself, it’s a natural opportunity to gently remind other family members to do the same. Ideally, the will should be created by a solicitor, particularly if the estate is large or complex.

A neutral third party, such as a financial adviser, may be better placed to suggest ways of planning for a potential inheritance tax bill, and ways the IHT bill could potentially be reduced. This is especially relevant at the moment as inheritance tax takings continue to rise as more households are drawn into the IHT net.

This is especially relevant at the moment as inheritance tax takings continue to rise as more households are drawn into the IHT net.

• Read more about how to properly update your will. 

Discuss power of attorney

Setting up lasting power of attorney, which allows someone else to make decisions on their behalf, can make things much easier later on. But it’s important not to leave it too late, since the person giving power of attorney must have mental capacity to do this. Plus, doing it before it’s a pressing issue can make the process less stressful and emotional.

Jade Gani, inheritance planning specialist and founder of Circe Law, says: “With power of attorney in place, you take that control away from third parties, and you give it to the people that care about you and love you.

“I tell my clients to think of powers of attorney as like insurance. You take it out, and it can stay in the back of your mind when you don’t need it. And should you ever need it then it was in place beforehand – because like insurance, it’s too late after the event.”

Planning for care costs

A major concern for many families is how to fund potential care fees without decimating an estate. This is a vital part of any later-life financial planning. It can be hard to predict whether someone will need care in their later life, whether that’s in a care home or domiciliary care. Part of the estate planning conversation could be about allocating funds towards these costs if they are needed.

This could be from savings or by considering a specialist product. Jade Gani suggests one option is a care annuity. These are a kind of insurance policy where you make an upfront payment in exchange for a contribution to care costs for as long as they are needed. “That’s just an example of how facing the issue and putting a plan in place can help maximise the estate and help provide certainty,” she says.

• Read more about saving for your future care needs 

What if there’s a family business?

It isn’t just personal assets that need a plan. If there is a family business, specific business powers of attorney should be allocated. If a family member isn’t involved in the company, a business partner or senior manager might be the best person to be the business executor.

The business power of attorney should have a good understanding of the business and how it’s run. They will have the power to make business decisions, should the owner be unable to. It doesn’t mean they will inherit the money. Discussions should also take place about how the business will be passed down in the most tax-efficient way.

An estate planner or financial adviser specialising in business property relief may be best placed to help with this.

Focus on legacy and peace of mind

Starting a conversation about estate planning is ultimately about ensuring loved ones are looked after and that their wishes are carried out. This is the best way to frame the discussion. By not addressing it, the older generation risks passing the problem on for their children to deal with.

“A lot of elderly parents’ concerns are usually either about paying inheritance tax or care fees, but also wanting to make sure that their family is looked after,” says Gani. When you phrase it like that, most parents want to ensure their children have as little stress as possible.

The conversation doesn’t have to be about “death and despair”, says Gani. Instead, frame it positively: “How do we ensure your quality of living right up until your last breath? How do we make sure that we create a lasting legacy for you, one that you want to leave to your children and grandchildren?”

13 conversation starters to try

Sometimes the hardest part of having a sensitive conversation is finding a way to bring it up. Here are some conversation starters you might find useful.

Conversation starters anyone can use  

These use external events as a gentle entry point into the conversation. 

1. “I saw in the news that inheritance tax rules seem to be catching more people out. It might be a good idea for all of us to make sure our own plans are as up-to-date as possible.” 

2. “Now that [e.g., a grandchild has been born/someone is getting married], it might be a good time for us all to look over our wills and make sure they reflect our current family situation.” 

3. “That storyline in [insert TV programme/item in the news/ anything else that is relevant] about the inheritance/the family dispute was really thought-provoking. It just goes to show how easily misunderstandings can happen in families, doesn’t it?” 

For parents talking to adult children 

These starters focus on reassurance and making things easier for the next generation. 

4. “I’ve been thinking about the future, and my main priority is to make sure everything is sorted so it’s as easy as possible for you all later on. Would you be open to having a chat about our plans sometime?” 

5. “I’ve just been reviewing my will, and it made me realise it would be helpful for you to know where all the important documents are. It would give me peace of mind to know that you’re aware of everything.” 

6. “We’re both in good health, thankfully, but I’ve been thinking it would be sensible to get a lasting power of attorney sorted. I’d really value your thoughts on it before we speak to a solicitor.” 

7. “We’d like to talk to you about our wishes for the estate. It’s not about the money, but about making sure you know what we’d want to happen, so there are no surprises or stresses for you down the line.” 

8. “I’ve been looking into our finances for the long term, including what might be needed for care someday. I don’t want it to be a future worry for you, so I’d like to share what I’ve been thinking.” 

For adult children talking to parents 

These starters are designed to be supportive, focusing on care and preparedness. 

9. “I’ve just sorted out my own will, and it was more straightforward than I expected. It made me wonder if you’d ever like a hand with any of your own paperwork? I’d be happy to help find a good professional if that’s useful.” 

10. “I was reading an article about how important lasting power of attorney is. It just got me thinking that I wouldn’t know what your wishes would be if you ever became ill and couldn’t tell me. Is that something you’ve ever considered?” 

11. “Mum/Dad, I know it can be an awkward topic, but I really want to make sure I understand your wishes for the future – not just for finances but for your health, too. It’s so important to me that we get it right for you.” 

12. “A friend of mine has had a really tough time because their parents’ affairs weren’t in order. It made me realise how much stress it can cause, and I’d love to help make sure we can avoid that for our family.” 

13. “I wanted to let you know that if you ever want to talk about plans for the future, I’m here to listen. The most important thing is that you feel supported and in control.”