A reader is fed up with feeling bad about going out - Jo Brand gives her advice

Jo Brand / 21 September 2018

What would you advise this reader who has had enough of her husband making her feel bad about going out without him - even though he frequently does the same thing?



Dilemma: My husband doesn't like me making plans without him - even though he does it himself

My husband often makes last-minute plans to go out with his friends to play golf or go to the pub, but when I do the same he gets offended and confused as to why I’d want to spend time away from him.

It’s annoying. Please advise.

Jo Brand's advice

The way you have put it so succinctly emphasises the difference between you and your husband’s attitudes towards marriage. You seem to be someone who supports equality in your relationship whereas your husband appears to be more of a ‘Don’t do as I do, do as I say’ kind of guy. 

As Bob Dylan put it, The Times They Are a-Changin’, but it seems as though yours aren’t changing quite fast enough. In the olden days, wives were husbands’ property and they could boss us around the way they wanted to. Some individuals’ relationships have clearly moved on more quickly than others. Your husband is quite possibly the product of a traditional, old-fashioned family in which whatever his father said went… and everyone else just had to bloody well put up with it. 

He is being a hypocrite and if he refuses to see that, or sees it but refuses to change, then you have two choices. You can ignore it and carry on behaving in the same way he does, leaving him huffing and puffing, or you can sit down and thrash it out (preferably not when you’re in the middle of a big row). Either way, burgeoning resentment isn’t a great basis for a marriage. I’m hoping this is not a symptom of a bigger problem and that things work out for you.




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