Bill Bailey: my motor

What’s in your garage at the moment?

I’m teaching my son, Dax, to drive in a Ford Fiesta. Our everyday car is a Volvo XC90 SUV, but my pride and joy is a 1971 Citroën DS21. In London it’s a beautiful, retro, traffic-calming measure that makes people slow down, smile and wave. The DS is a happy car, unlike a Ferrari or Porsche – they make people shake their fists.

What’s the Citroën like inside?

It’s a bit dark and dingy, so if I want to see any of the controls, I need to turn on the interior light. Unfortunately, the bulb radiates a beam so powerful that I’m illuminated like a jewel thief caught in the act of a getaway.

Have you had any breakdowns?

The Citroën broke down in a petrol station, where people realised I was Bill Bailey and tried to give me a bump start while taking a selfie. My worst breakdown was in an old Peugeot 104. The radiator burst when I had my head under the bonnet. My face was badly scalded and I ended up in casualty.

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What was your first car?

A Citroën Dyane – it was like a budget version of the 2CV. The bodywork was held together by pins, which made it easy to dismantle. One evening I was out and lost the key, so I took the back door off, got inside and then found I’d broken into the wrong Citroën. I did put it back together again before walking off sheepishly.

What’s been your favourite car?

A Leyland Sherpa van I drove on tour with all my stage gear. One evening, I parked in a police station by accident and was surrounded by officers. They demanded to see inside and found a stack of old ammunition cases the drummer used to store his kit. All hell broke loose – one of them pulled a gun and they called for back-up.

Any major accidents or incidents?

The scariest happened when the steering column became detached in the Sherpa. The wheel was just going round and round – that was a lucky escape.

Did you pass your driving test first time?

I did but not without incident. I took my test in Bath, and at one point found myself confronted in a narrow road by a lorry. It was impossible to reverse with cars behind me, so I must be one of the few people to pass the test despite driving on the pavement.

Who is the most famous person you’ve sat with in a car?

In the old days, comics used to travel to gigs in one car to save money. I remember driving with Steve Coogan, Eddie Izzard, Jack Dee and Jo Brand. We just bumbled up and down to gigs together. I also got into the back of the wrong limo once and found Richard Madeley in the driver’s seat. It was his own car, but he kindly offered to drive me all the same.

What pets have you had in your cars?

The family parrot would travel using the glove box handle as a perch. Very clever bird, the Moluccan cockatoo – but no use as a wing mirror.

What do you listen to in the car?

Everything from Radio 4 and audiobooks to Norwegian folk metal, which is my current favourite. Everybody needs a little Norse chanting in their lives.

Bill Bailey plays Covent Garden with En Route to the Royal Opera House show, 11-13 August. Tickets via Ticketmaster or the Royal Opera House

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