Why isn't online dating working for you?

Amanda Angus / 10 June 2019 ( 18 May 2020 )

There are no guarantees with online dating, but these online dating tips for tweaking your profile can help you figure out what might be going wrong.

One of the maxims about online dating is that you get out of it what you put in. For many, online dating is a wonderful tool that puts you in touch with people you'd never otherwise meet, and many relationships now start online.

But if you're an online dater who has tried hard with dating sites, trawling through profiles and sending messages to people who don’t reply, this can seem a little galling. If you're not even getting to the point where people respond to your messages, it's worth taking another look at your profile.

There is no hard and fast rule about creating the perfect online dating profile, but some key lessons learnt can help if you’re committed to using this method to finding someone.

Find love online with Saga Dating

Be an active online dater

The first rule of dating online is to be proactive, because the more you log on to your profile, the more likely you are to be seen by other users. Don’t sit around waiting for everyone to flock to you.

Dating sites themselves are built with active users in mind - those who log in regularly, add others as a favourite and use the messaging function are much more likely to be featured on the site’s advertising and as a popular profile because they’re using the site right there and then.

If you’re not using the service very often, then your profile will slowly disappear from being seen by others.

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Know what you want from your date - but don't be too prescriptive

Think about what you want in a potential match. If you’re absolutely determined not to date anyone who lives over 20 miles away or you only want to meet a doctor, then ensure that you have it on your settings and stated in your profile in order to avoid awkward conversations with potential dates.

However, bear in mind that the more specific you are, the fewer results you’ll have. If things aren’t working out in terms of finding the right profiles, then it might be best to relax your criteria a little and see what affect it has.

Don't compromise on anything that is truly important to you as an individual - for example, if you're a staunch vegan or go to church regularly, then you'll probably need someone who shares your outlook on life, but if you could see yourself going an extra five miles for a date, or wouldn't, on second thoughts, mind someone who has an occasional cigarette after dinner, then a compromise might work out. 

Experimenting with what you’re looking for might show profiles that you might not have seen previously.

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Think about the relationship you want

What frame of mind are you in, in terms of dating? If a long-term relationship has just come to an end, then immediately looking for another serious one might not be suitable for you. Think carefully about whether you know what you want. Do you want a friend, a companion, a lover, a spouse?

Dating doesn’t have to be finding someone to spend the rest of your life with right now - if you relax what you’re looking for and just concentrate on having fun with someone new on a date, you may find that love comes from unexpected places.

Be confident

Confidence breeds confidence. Dating, especially online dating, is about taking chances and (safely) getting out of your comfort zone, and that means contacting people you might otherwise be too nervous to chat to.

Well done for being brave, but remember, it is inevitable that some people won’t respond to messages no matter how charming you might be, and that's just par for the course - not something to discourage you.

There’s no doubt that not getting a reply is frustrating, but you can’t be a match for everyone, and the best way to counter this is by writing another message to a new profile - don't write the non-responder another message, even if it's just a polite query as to why they didn't respond, as it will never end well.

Move on to another likely contender and in no time you’ll have forgotten all about the person who didn’t reply. The more messages you write, the more confident you’ll become.

How to write a great first message

Watch the jokes

You could be the funniest person in the room, but online it's a different story. Do your jokes and silly stories rely on facial expression and tone to come across as comedic?

Remember, people are there to find love too, and if you come over as viewing it all as a bit of a joke, you might be inadvertently putting people off. Take a step back and re-assess, and perhaps tone down the flippancy and dial up the sincerity.

Don't change who you are - say you like a joke and you can be silly if that's who you are, but rather than reeling off the one liners, perhaps list a few of your favourite comedians and comedy shows in order to give a flavour of your specific brand of hilarity - then when you meet your date in person, they'll be blown away by how amusing you are!

Get a second opinion

Finally, if it’s not working at all, get a second opinion, which can often be invaluable. The stigma of dating online has disappeared and no-one should be ashamed or embarrassed about it.

Ask a friend or family member what they think of your profile. They’ll often have insight into your character or personality that you’ve not thought about before, or think that you’re trying to talk to the wrong sort of person.

Friends may be able to browse the site you’re on and mark out profiles that they think would be a good match for you. Contact the site’s support team too - they might also be able to give you some succinct and worthwhile advice about your activity on there.

The opinions expressed are those of the author and are not held by Saga unless specifically stated.

The material is for general information only and does not constitute investment, tax, legal, medical or other form of advice. You should not rely on this information to make (or refrain from making) any decisions. Always obtain independent, professional advice for your own particular situation.