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Dilemma: my husband is bisexual

Katharine Whitehorn / 13 January 2016 ( 06 September 2019 )

Agony aunt Katharine Whitehorn hears from a reader who has recently discovered her husband is bisexual.

Husband on telephone
A reader is concerned after overhearing her husband on the telephone

Dilemma: I don't know how to feel about my bisexual husband

My husband and I are both in our 60s; I have been very happy in this marriage until 18 months ago, when I discovered through overhearing a phone call that my husband is attracted to men.

I was devastated. Although our sex life had dwindled owing to his erection problems, it was what I would call normal. Before we met he had several relationships with women, he says he has never met men for sex and never will.

He says he gets comfort from knowing that others feel as he does, but I wonder if I can trust him?

We have a good life together and I do not know if I can face another divorce.

Dilemma: I'm lonely and gay

Katharine Whitehorn's advice

I can imagine few things more shattering than making this discovery and it’s no wonder you feel bewildered and wretched. 

But the situation may not, hard as it is to believe, be hopeless. There are bisexual men who are happily married and the feelings you express are similar to those felt by women who have found their husbands watching porn.

They sometimes come to realise that their husbands are devastated to find their sexual powers waning, and it is possible that if your husband feels this, he takes refuge in the forbidden side of his character which can still give him a thrill.

Now that this has come into the open, I think you have to be straight with each other and try to work things out. You’re right not to consider discussing it with your family, but counselling could help you both to sort out your feelings. Unshockable Relate might be worth a try.

Can relationship counselling help your marriage?

Saga readers say...

We also asked our Facebook followers for their advice...

"At their age (I am in the same age group) is it really a big issue who he is attracted to? They have obviously had many happy years of marriage and family life together and get on well still. Nothing has changed other than she has discovered something she didn't know about him. We never know another entirely. It isn't something "bad". He isn't wanting to go off and start anew. He is having a bit of a personal crisis maybe as many of us do at this stage when the last quarter of our life looms ahead. So what if he is attracted to men too? We are all different; many of us have hidden facets to our character and have to live life not entirely as we might wish or with the freedoms we might like. Life is about compromise and priorities. Just talk about it and accept it and continue to love the man - he's the same good man!! Don't waste a good partnership - you will regret it..."

"Love him. He is with you."

"He's with you, just try to understand his dilemma... If his having a relationship with a man behind your back it's a different matter, you have to decide if you can cope with it, but you really need to talk to him about what it means to your relationship together and don't fly off the handle at him, just talk and listen."


The opinions expressed are those of the author and are not held by Saga unless specifically stated. The material is for general information only and does not constitute investment, tax, legal, medical or other form of advice. You should not rely on this information to make (or refrain from making) any decisions. Always obtain independent, professional advice for your own particular situation.