Silver Rainbows: from prejudice to pride

Ron was in the depths of grief, having just experienced the agony of holding his husband as he took his final breaths in a hospital bed, when he discovered Silver Rainbows. Before returning alone to the home he and Allan had shared for 51 years, Ron, 78, came across a leaflet in the hospital foyer for the Cheshire-based organisation, a group for older LGBTQ+ people (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning, and others). Set up five years ago, it offers an annual Silver Pride online festival, social events including walks around the Cheshire countryside, coffee mornings and tea dances – and it proved a lifeline for Ron. He says, ‘I was suddenly alone and very lonely. I don’t have children who might have visited and had some very down days. I felt suicidal at times but Silver Rainbows arranged for me to have therapy, and come to get-togethers, which has been a big help.’

Few people had known that Ron and Allan were a couple and even after their civil partnership and subsequent marriage they weren’t part of any wider community. Among Silver Rainbows members, Ron, from Macclesfield, felt comfortable discussing his sexuality and his five-decade-long love for Allan, who died from sepsis aged 81 in March 2020. ‘I never even talked to my parents about the fact we were gay although they knew we lived together,’ says Ron, a retired engineer. ‘It was not something many people of my generation ever felt comfortable opening up about. I would have loved to have walked down the street holding hands with Allan, or to kiss him in public, but we didn’t dare take the risk. When he died, I’d reached the point that if somebody didn’t approve of our relationship, tough. But I regret we couldn’t live openly as a couple 50 years ago.’

Born in 1943, Ron was 24 by the time the 1967 Sexual Offences Act, permitting ‘homosexual acts’ between two consenting adults over the age of 21, became law. (This was lowered to 18 in 1994 and finally 16 in 2000.) So, hard though it may be for those raised in more enlightened times to appreciate, Ron and Allan experienced a great deal of fear and shame in the early years of their union.

At Silver Rainbows meetings, like the one at Chester’s Storyhouse Theatre, where I was introduced to him and other members, Ron finds himself among people who, having grown up in the same era, understand and identify with him. Also present was Sally Probert-Hill, 53, who came out as a lesbian aged 21. She is chief executive of Body Positive, the sexual health charity that set up Silver Rainbows, now one of the biggest LGBTQ+ networks for over-50s in the UK.

‘While I’m younger than the Silver Rainbows, I grew up in rural Lincolnshire in the 1980s, where I never heard anyone say they were a lesbian,’ says Sally. ‘The generation of LGBTQ+ people we cater for, many of whom were around before partial decriminalisation of homosexuality in 1967 [it became legal only for over-21s in 1967], still experiences a lot of fear: of rejection, being sacked, attacked and ridiculed. Silver Rainbows provides an environment in which people feel secure talking about their lives and experiences.’

This is certainly true for Isobel, 79, a trans woman whose wife Margaret was the only person who knew that, while born in a male body, she had always felt like a woman. Not even their two grown-up children knew that secret and, when Margaret was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, the prospect of having to live without her support led Isobel to contemplate taking her own life.

‘I couldn’t face the thought of life without Margaret, and even if I’d transitioned much earlier, I think we would have lived together, like sisters,’ she says. Isobel often dressed as a woman at home with Margaret, who is now in a care home. ‘We got on so well and she accommodated me so much, buying nighties and underwear slightly larger than she needed and telling me: “I think this will fit you and me”.’

Luckily, a referral by their GP for counselling helped Isobel, who worked as a firefighter and in ‘manual roles’ for ICI before retiring, to see there was another way. After being put in touch with Body Positive, she found Silver Rainbows. ‘Six years ago I drove to see my counsellor, parked and changed into the dress, wig and shoes I’d previously only ever worn at home,’ says Isobel. ‘Stepping out of the car was both exhilarating and terrifying.’

'I went to a family wedding as Isobel and was photographed with the bride and groom’

Isobel has made huge strides since then. Having told family and friends that her ‘authentic self is female’, last year she began taking testosterone blockers and oestrogen and hopes that, some time around her 80th birthday, she will have genital surgery. ‘My coming out as Isobel was a hell of a shock for some of my family, though others said it made a lot of sense to them. A few months ago I was delighted to be publicly accepted by family in front of other people when I went to my granddaughter’s wedding as Isobel and was photographed with the bride and groom.’

Feeling compelled to hide her ‘true identity’ for most of her life is a source of sadness for Isobel, but she is acutely aware of the obstacles she faced. ‘Being trans wasn’t talked about in my younger days and it certainly wouldn’t have been accepted by the people around me,’ she says. ‘I’ve known all my life that I’m really a woman but if I’d come out in my teens or twenties, I’d probably have ended up in prison.’ (Isobel believes that trans people would have been treated the same way as homosexuals under the law at the time.) Although in the more progressive world Isobel now finds herself in, she says that 95% of responses have been positive, her new life has not been without unpleasant encounters, and she was recently called names in the street.

Colin Avery, 62, who runs Silver Rainbows, has been a huge support to Isobel, and other members. Colin came out as gay when he was 16. ‘My parents were horrified. I felt I’d caused their heartbreak by just being me. They had a sense of shame, as if they had failed. However, they came round. I’ve been with my partner, Peter, for 39 years now, since I was 22 and he was 20, and they welcomed him into their lives.’

Colin helps organise exhibitions on gay history in Cheshire and says it is important that people realise how appallingly LGBTQ+ people were treated, by the state as well as society, in the shamefully recent past. ‘We have members who were prosecuted, dismissed from their jobs, required to take conversion therapy – which could either be electric shock or hormone treatment, known as chemical castration – all because of their sexuality,’ he says. ‘It wasn’t even until 1990 that the World Health Organisation removed being gay from the list of mental health illnesses.’

Against this backdrop, it is perhaps not surprising that, when Stan, 67, moved in with his partner, his family and friends assumed they were just housemates, and Stan never put them right. ‘Growing up, I didn’t know anyone who was gay, I had never even heard the word,’ says Stan, a retired plant controller in the water industry. ‘When I met my first boyfriend, I thought we were the only two men who felt that way about each other. My parents never knew I had relationships with men. I knew they wouldn’t have liked it,’ he says.

Likewise Michael, 72, who sold new-build houses before retirement, knew from a young age that he was attracted to men but felt pressure to follow a conventional path, marrying at 19 and becoming a father of three. ‘I was raised in a Catholic family and just knew as a child that I mustn’t talk about how I felt,’ says Michael. ‘Homosexuality was still illegal for almost 20 years after I was born and there were no role models. I wanted to fit in and was worried about rejection.’

'Growing up, I didn’t know anyone who was gay, I had never even heard the word’

Despite temptation to explore his sexuality, Michael remained faithful to his wife, until his marriage broke down when he was 30. He met Philip, his partner of 40 years, in a gay club a couple of years later. ‘With Philip, I discovered the difference between just going through the motions in a relationship and real passion,’ says Michael.

Andrew (Andi when ‘dressed’), 71, is bisexual and cross-dresses, and also spent decades hiding his sexuality. It was not until the week before a Silver Rainbows event last November called ‘Hidden Lives and the Journey to Becoming Our Authentic Selves’ – at which he was among the speakers telling his story – that he finally came out to family and friends.

Andrew spent 27 years in the armed forces from the age of 17, acutely aware of the serious consequences if his superiors found out he was attracted to men as well as women. He had his first gay relationship with a schoolmate, aged 15. ‘We knew if we were found out we’d have been sent to a Borstal or a mental institution,’ says Andrew. ‘I went into the forces in 1967 and being gay was against Queen’s Regulations. If discovered, and you were under 21, you went to prison for six months. You were also thrown out of the army, without any references, so you lost your job, your pension and any hope of future employment.’

While posted in Northern Ireland, Andrew married and had two children but the relationship wasn’t a happy one and didn’t last. Aged 29, he married Kathleen, who already had three children and was nine years his senior, and the couple were happily married for 40 years, until her death two years ago.

Although he never told her explicitly that he was attracted to men, Andrew believes she knew. After their sex life petered out, Kathleen told Andrew he could go elsewhere. ‘I said: “I’m not going to go with another woman”,’ recalls Andrew. ‘But she said: “That’s not what I said, I said you can go elsewhere if you want to”. I came close to it [intimacy with a man] a couple of times but didn’t want to while Kathleen was alive.’

Andrew had to shield during much of the pandemic due to health issues but found Silver Rainbows online and began having Zoom meetings twice a week before finding the confidence to join them on some walks, once he was allowed to go out more. Having committed to tell his story at the ‘Hidden Lives’ event at Storyhouse Theatre, he decided he should first make an announcement to family and friends. ‘I put a post on my Facebook page saying: “After next week I suppose I’ll be losing a lot of my friends and family on here”. Then I told them about the talk I would be giving and explained that my true self is bisexual, and has been all my life, but that I’d hidden it.’

Thankfully the responses he got were positive and he has since begun to cross-dress in public, which he had previously only felt comfortable doing at home. ‘Everyone was very nice about it and my daughter and granddaughter said none of it came as a huge surprise to them, having seen some of my women’s clothes when they were collecting pyjamas and underwear for me during my hospital stays,’ says Andrew. Finally, in his eighth decade, seeking acceptance for who he really is from his nearest and dearest has been hugely liberating for Andrew – and he has his contemporaries at Silver Rainbows to thank for giving him that courage. ‘If I’d been born later, I’d have been more open about my sexuality and probably lived a very different life,’ says Andrew. ‘I owe a huge debt of gratitude to Silver Rainbows for finally giving me a taste of what it’s like to be understood and accepted for who I am.’

For more information, visit Silver Rainbows, call 01270 653150 or email info@silverrainbows.com

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